old fears
Yesterday, I went to Pasadena City College to obtain my new student ID so that I could take advantage of their libarary. I was excited to go to the library and have new books. I was not anticipating the trama and fear that resulted from my fear.
First, I drove around the campus twice to figure out exactly where to park. Then I realized that the students there must still be in school. It was packed. Everyone was trying to come or go. I felt like I was at a real university. Imagine if I had gone to a UC. Worse yet, I felt like a prospie, totally out of place. I didn't know where to go, but I didn't want to show it. Also, because I thought that I might go to old town afterwards, I was decked out in this tank top and polka-dot skirt AND reef sandals. Eek. I felt like a Whitman student on a 75 degree sunny day. Well, most of the girls were wearing long jeans and t-shirts. Some girls were even wearing sweatshirts (or as I call them, jackets). It was like high school kids.
My experience with fear scared me more than the immediate feeling itself. Why was I not afraid to work in a crowded Universal Studios Citywalk but so afraid to walk through the campus? Then it hit me-- these are my peers. At Whitman, I don't care if everyone thinks that I'm a weirdo. Here, I cared. What if I saw someone from my high school (and I did)? What if they stopped to talk to me? What if they found out that I am just taking one summer session class, not for credit but for fun, and that I really go to a out-of-state liberal arts school? I suddenly reminded myself of my mom who told me she disliked being in crowds. Before this, I did not understand why. At the end of the day, I realized that I am really going to turn into her when I said to myself, I am overwhelmed and tired and need to go home.
When I was there, it turned out that the ID card place was closed from 2:30-5:00 so I had to leave and come back. I didn't want to go far, so I spent 2 hours at Aardvark's and then Michael's. I wish that I could take Elizabeth and Eric to Aardvark's. Elizabeth would love the old dresses and Eric would like the plaid pants and I would find a Professor Wade shirt or dish out the money for an authentic bowling tee. At Michael's I bought acrylic paint to experiment with t-shirt making. Expect photos of my projects.
I felt silly also, without a backpack, carrying 4 library books back to the car. At least I now have 4 good books to read. I'm working on "Cannery Row" first.

While making the mix for Nate, I found 3 tragically unopened CDs: Buddy Holly, Carl Perkins, and the greatest hits of Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass Band.

Right now, I am enjoying my favorite recently discovered band, calexico.
- posted by Lyndsay @ 10:33 PM